The Blue Toothbrush

What is the likelihood that a break up be happy? Most often than not, breakups always leave hearts broken even in mutual separations.  Hence the name! And trust me no matter how many breakups you have been through, it never seems to get easier, neither does the age of the couple involved or length of the relationship have any bearing on the pain and loneliness you experience immediately post a separation. Whatever the reason behind the break-up, it is always followed by tears.  But the tears eventually cease; the feeling of missing your ex may or may not. How long the grieving period lasts varies from person to person and also on the emotions involved. How I react to a break up will be different from how my ex responds to our separation.

Now you may ask why I choose to write about a break-up. Well, to begin with, writing about feelings is a form of self- therapy. No, I am going through a break-up and neither do I feel like my entire world has toppled. But it is true that something today reminded me of my ex and even though he does not deserve a story to be written about him, he did devote 3 weeks of his time to me, and perhaps for the sake of the good memories, I think I can give him some space on my blog.

October 2017

So after crying my eyeballs out hugging his green towel and learning that he is void of any feelings for me, I sit alone in this apartment that was once “Gurdeep & Mariam’s haven” and stare endlessly into the emptiness. One moment I can hear him come up the stairs and walk through the door and then nothing.  Even as I write this story, I stare at the blue toothbrush that was once his.  Am I losing my sanity? Probably yes.

About three weeks ago, on my hunt for an apartment, I happened to come across a post on a page on Facebook. The flat though beyond my budget, was centrally located and exactly how I envisioned my future home to be, and so although I was about to finalize a brand new 2bhk in a different area, I chose to give this one a chance. Brokers rarely speak English and even when they do their accent isn’t polished.  So I was pleasantly surprised to be greeted by a seductive voice. I know this probably only happens in the movies, but here I was being drawn into the realm of enchantment.  Yes, his voice resonated with my heart and I couldn’t wait to meet with the man who had wooed me with his voice, albeit innocently unaware of what he had done. We set up a meeting as early as 20 minutes from the call and I was there waiting at the meeting point when a car pulled over and I peeped in eagerly.  I got into the passenger seat and there he was the man whose voice I had fallen in love with. He was as attractive as his voice. Well dressed and poised- clearly tall, sufficiently dark, and unusually handsome-he was my dream come true.

He drove me to the apartment building and showed me the flat. But I was too distracted by him, to even notice the flat. I knew that I couldn’t afford the flat, yet I wanted to get it so I could have a reason to know him more. A few hours after the house visit I wrote to him apologizing that the house was not in my budget and I definitely could not afford the brokerage. He told me not to worry and he could wait on the brokerage if I really wanted the flat.

Reluctantly I accepted to take this further. I started flirting over text messages, and he was taken aback. That is what I do, the Gemini in me is always up for a little flirting, and with him, it was different because I had taken a special liking to him. He took well to the attention I was giving him. But he did also mention that he was in a relationship. I was like there is no harm in getting to know him.  I met him again the next day and we even had lunch. I continued the flirting while I tried to dig into his relationship with his girlfriend.

“Well, she is away at her hometown in Kolkatta. I am not sure if the relationship has a future,” he had said. I learned that they weren’t romantically close and that she would not be back for a couple of weeks. They barely communicated. She was suffering from psychological issues and drug abuse. He was helping her through it. There wasn’t much to it than that. He also admitted to his desire of wanting to ease an end to their relationship but considering that she was a bit “psycho” he had to be careful because she was quite vulnerable.

The more time we spent together before I moved into the apartment, I fell even more in love with him. He was pleasantly surprised at the attention he was getting from an attractive woman. “Where did you come from? What do you want from me?” he asked me over lunch at his restaurant.

“I am not sure what I want, for now, all I know is that I am enjoying getting to know Gurdeep.” and we began to grow fond of each other.

“You are exactly what I have been waiting for,” she remembered him saying and now here she was listening to sad Bollywood songs wondering why he was void of any feelings for her.

“He played you. Found a pretty and fair skinned girl throwing herself at him, and he just played along,” my sister told me over the phone.

“Maybe I should not have avenged him,” “and what then? He would have broken your heart sooner or later” my sister responded.

Securing the apartment was quite a task, because of the myriad of complications that arose. Gurdeep never left my side. He negotiated with the owner, helped me move and also took care of me in ways I have always wanted a man to do.  He spent a major chunk of his time at the apartment, getting to know me. He avoided his friends, something I was totally against. He just wanted to make me happy and he did!

But time was ticking and we knew that someday his girlfriend would be back and he would have to choose. I assured him that I would support him through this.

“Don’t worry, we will get through this together.”

“But I can’t just break up with her; she might kill herself and I don’t want her to go back to the sorry state I found her a year and a half ago.”

I didn’t realize then that what he meant by this was that he would need more than just a week or two.

I remember that time when he came to see me every night at my parents’ when I still hadn’t moved into the apartment. We were inseparable. He really cared.

I took a few drags of a cigarette. I had gone from someone who couldn’t be around a lit cigarette to someone who is smoking a few packs a day. I don’t know how to deal with the emptiness of this place.

None of my friends are on his side. Everyone feels he is in the wrong. No matter how much I try to blame myself, everyone tells me to move on. No amount of explaining can reason with them, that he had done a ton load for me for a guy who was just playing.

It is better not to know than know. I knew about the other girlfriend. She didn’t know about me. She couldn’t. So even though it pained me to see him respond to her calls and messages, I maintained the silence. Someday this will all be behind us, I had thought.

I didn’t really want to push him to see a future with me. But Moumita had already made plans for them to be together. So I didn’t realize how difficult this phase would be. The future is so uncertain, but mine I was certain of. The doctors had already given me their verdict and I knew that losing these beautiful moments for a future that can never be, would be futile. So I told him he doesn’t have to worry about not being with me in the future.

“Mariam what do you want? I can’t promise you marriage. My parents would only want me to marry a Punjabi girl they would select for me,” he said to me one night in a state of drunkenness.

I swallowed my tears back into my eyes. “Don’t worry, I am ok if you can’t marry me.” I pressed his hands.  If only I had told him why. But I chose, as usual, to be quiet. I didn’t want his pity or for him to be scared. He already had a lot on his plate because of Moumita.

We were both so scared of the 9^th when Moumita was scheduled to come back. But he assured me that he would not sleep with her, or spend the nights at her place as he had been doing before I stormed into his life! It was hard to trust him, but I didn’t have much choice.

She flew in a day later. We had one last night together, a night that was solely ours at least until he breaks it off with Moumita.  I told him not to bring her up in our talks. I wanted this night to be special. I tried to take his mind off the stress.

A Piscean, Gurdeep was quite an emotional person. Every night he would pour his heart out after a few beers. Some moments he was sure about being in love with me and other times he would say, “I am trying.” I would never push him to utter those words that I so fondly and liberally said to him. I wanted him to feel the love within him.

It had become difficult for him to juggle between Moumita and me. I could tell he was troubled. Yet, I didn’t grant him the time off from us. I was afraid I would not have the luxury of time and I didn’t want him to take his own sweet time to end it with her. I presumed that me being in his life would help him take the step sooner than he thought was possible. I was wrong. I pushed him away instead.

Taking another drag of my cigarette, and with a heavy chest I could not help but think of that call.

“Moumita and I broke up. It is over.” There was this hint of agitation in his voice. “Leave me alone for a bit. I need time to heal.” I thought he meant that I give him a few hours. I was in Mumbai when he made that call.  I was happy, that it was finally over for them, and finally our time!

But of course, it wasn’t over.  He may have lied to me and to himself. We had just celebrated our 3-weeks anniversary over a homemade breakfast of egg bhurji. I would always make it a point to let him know in my own small way, how much every moment with him mattered to me.

Then came that dreadful night. I can never forget that look of indifference on his face and his cold words. “ I didn’t want to tell you,” he answered. His ex was at a party that he had chosen to attend. I had warned him that she would be there. I can still feel the restlessness I felt when he didn’t answer the three calls I made to him. I knew in my heart she was there and that is why he hadn’t answered. He told me otherwise.

“My phone was in a silent mode,” he tried to assure me but in vain.

I realized that something amiss. He didn’t even try to console me or reassure me as he had done previously when I was apprehensive about Moumita.

“I have to go,” it was as if I had suddenly become invisible. He wanted to go spend Diwali with his friends. Had he forgotten that he and I had planned to spend Diwali together lighting sparklers and having dinner together? I could not understand how he could leave me and go to his friend’s without even inviting me to join him there. I knew the friends he said he was to meet.  So he could have. I just looked at him in disbelief, tears racing out of my eyes.

I was to attend a Diwali party, but I chose to be with him at our home instead. I didn’t make it obvious to him that I had other plans. I would rather spend Diwali with him. And here he was abandoning me and our plans on what could be my last Diwali.

He had no idea how he broke me. He didn’t even hug me as he left. This was so strange.

“If you are leaving then please take the box of sweets with you and go! Please go!” By this time I was on my knees wailing away.

“I don’t know if I want this anymore. It is getting too intense. Give me some time off,” he said coldly.

He had left me broken and with memories, those I have to live with everyday while he voluntarily detached himself from all of it.

Sometimes I wish I would have told him sooner about my illness, but me being me, I decided to hold back and first gain his respect, before pity sinks in.

The days following the break up were hard and dark. I felt I was on the verge of a serious breakdown myself.  Those sleepless nights were long. Yet sleep was my only escape from the loneliness.

“He was so good to me, I should not have hurt him back,” I told Gaurav over the phone.

I had risked it all when I went to his house to inform his parents about his love affair with Moumita. I felt he could really use their help to free himself from a woman who was tying him down with threats of suicide and black magic. I, of course, went there out of concern, and I very well knew that after this, I would lose him forever, but I did it anyway because I cared. I hadn’t realized then that he himself wanted to be with her. That he had used my love for his own selfish needs. I was still convinced he had genuine affection toward me.

This guilt engulfed me to the point that I could not sleep at all. My tears were my only companion, and this was taking a toll on my health.

“I have to apologize, I can’t live with this feeling Gaurav.”

“But Mariam he will only think you are being desperate to get him back and you are better than being labeled as a desperate ex. But if you feel that is what you have to do to be at peace, then go ahead,” Gaurav explained.

I knew that a simple apology would not do this justice. So I decided to get a bit creative and delivered a shoe box with several sorry notes- a Heineken bottle and a deodrant whose labels I had replaced with a “I am sorry” label, and pain medication packed in a note that read, “here is a treatment for the headache I have caused you”. I also included in it a letter and the novel “The Alchemist” which I had ordered for him. I wanted him to realize his dreams and this book was just an ideal read for that.

I continue to remain blocked and it hurts that he didn’t even think I was worthy of being forgiven. But I am now at peace, for I had done my part.

He is back with Moumita, and while I am now accustomed to not having him around, there are moments when my thoughts still bring him back to this house.

Every time I brush or wash my hands at the sink, his blue brush stares back at me.