The Stillness that is Family

I am writing a novel, for the first time ever and a lot of it is inspired by my own experiences. Let us for a moment assume that the protagonist is me, and my blog serves as the notes section where I plan the journey of the protagonist. Today's post will give you a glimpse of a major theme in the book.

If there were degrees or types of loneliness, I would certainly place having no family support on top of the list. Whoever said that blood is thicker than water, didn't really picture my family into that thought. I recently watched a Bollywood movie, "Dear Zindagi". I could relate to the story line because although the issues the protagonist was dealing with were trivial, they were common place, in my life at least.  My depression, would not be so strong, if I had a family that dwelled together. And don't get me wrong. I love my family. I just wish we could all get along. 

I wish my mother was my friend; I wish my parents and I could go out for dinners and lunches and have meaningful conversations without either of them getting nervous or without being negative about my plans. I wish I was close to my cousins, uncles and aunts. I have witnessed families who are close knit and happy. I sit here wondering why my family isn't. Why unlike other families we can't have a family reunion? 

The problem exists on both sides of the family. My maternal cousins are not permitted to hang with me because I am too forward thinking for their father's taste. And now that they are married, their husbands' too keep them away from me. And my cousin's give in. This is the most baffling part. They let the men on the outside govern their treatment of one of their own. The paternal side of my family, except for an aunt and her children, do not respect my father. They want nothing to do with us. Even if my father and I are not religious, I believe it was my father who supported his nieces and nephews for their education when he was wealthy. Now in his time of need, we are alone. Not that my father has been an angel, but he is family. Not that I haven't been a trouble maker, but my teen years were turbulent as with every other teenager.

My family would consider me as selfish. But I am not, I am just indifferent. I didn't publicly mourn my dad's brother's or sister's passing because I didn't really bond with them. They were religious. My dad wasn't. They never saw eye to eye and so we barely met. I remember once, when I was barely 12, I wanted a computer and my father couldn't really afford it. My cousin told me, if you wear a headscarf I will get you a computer. Do you think I heeded to his demand? Of course not! I waited till my father could afford a computer. 

My mother's side of the family too have their own issues. There isn't a member who is fine with the other. Cousins don't get along. My great grandmother always favoured her wealthy children over my poor grandmother and her children. My grand uncle doesn't really treat us as their family even when we visit his restaurant. His children are like strangers to us. I am beginning to believe that this is what family really looks like. 

My parents have wealthy relatives, yet they suffer. I have two half brothers in Iran, one of them, the wealthier and younger one barely ever knocks on our door. My older half brother is considerate. But he already has a family of 4 to support. Can't expect him to do much. And I am unemployed. What good could a daughter battling depression be?  I am not without fault, but then if family doesn't come to our heed then who would? 

I am the black sheep of my family, my mother says so, and the others think so. It hurts to learn that you have no one, because no one is willing to accept you for who you are. They want you to change in order to be accepted. And then acceptance would be meaningless because they are accepting who you are not. Perhaps I will just have to shelve this thought. 

My ideal family exists only in the stillness of my mind.