Part 1- Appearance Matters first!

It’s 7 AM. I don’t usually wake up at this hour. The first of the sun’s rays are beginning to shine through the plant-clad window of my grandmom’s guest room. I can trace the outline of the dressing table and a bookshelf on which you won’t find books, but antiques, crystals, and knick-knacks. My grandmother just as I am a collector of all things cute and old! There is a charm in the old. Perhaps because of the story and meaning that these things decipher.

And then the thoughts come back. Somethings I feel should never change. Style, mannerisms, and hygiene are eternal and common sense! At least they are to me. Now, you’d argue that these should not be one’s first thoughts. But they are…considering how the past 3 years have been.

I am attracted to the brown. This is why I mostly dated Middle eastern and Indian men. They possess a charm like none other. They are warm and well-raised (well at least a majority of them)!

I had had a wonderful dating life in Egypt where I spent 6 years. Egyptian men despite their financial status are classy and charming. They know just how to dress. Now you’d ask why I didn’t settle for such goodness? Why would I move to India when everything was going so well? Kya hai na, I love adventure and at that point commitment scared me! I was wooed with the idea of a Shahrukh Khan. And I escaped to India to experience SRK.

Two years ago I could best be compared with Vaani Kapoor’s character, Shyra, in Befikre. Her story resonated so much with mine, that I felt the writer had known me personally.

I never wanted to settle down. Marriage was a big no-no and I was super flirtatious. The latter hasn’t changed, however, my desire to find a companion has never been stronger. I want my big fat Indian-Persian wedding. Everything is in my head, except for the face of the groom.

I tried dating apps, personal connects, matrimonial sites too. The later is a complete sham! There was no SRK. Not even a hint of him…The quality of men and the fake profiles managed to bring out the worst in me. I abused the men, shamed them, and then finally deleted my profile. Either I leave India or settle for less. But why should I only be faced with these two options? I had a third. I would put it out in the man universe, my idea of a classy man which is based on the old ways, with the hope that someone would take the hint. I can only hope. Because if this doesn’t work, I don’t know what will. So help me God!

Now, this advice isn’t just for my potential groom, but every millennial and Get Z Indian man. I feel like it is my moral obligation to teach you a thing or two about classiness and style. I love serving society you see (I also obviously am helping myself in the process).

I am a biggie on looks, and charm. I am a biggie on intellect and travel experiences. I am a biggie on classiness. And please tell me I ain’t making a mistake by pinning my hopes on the men in India. I do want to have a big fat Indian wedding. I want my heart to find love In SRK’s land. I want to have a Bollywood love story. Tell me, I will.

Religion, superstition, and astrology have no style

Just as we claim that religion and politics should not mix, style and religion shouldn’t. In India I have noticed people don’t simply follow a religion; they wear it! And while I can’t convince 1.3 billion people that religion is a personal space, I hope I can convince 13 of you to ward off your religious paraphernalia and keep your faith to your heart.

What’s with the red and black threads? What’s with the rings? These don’t go well with a suit. Neither do these have any place in the workplace. And neither do these “things”, to the best of my knowledge, ward off evil. If it did, everyone around the world would wear them. Don’t you think?

A thread or ring won’t get you close to god and the absence of it doesn’t translate to you being an atheist. These threads and rings are simply a brilliant idea for a business by some imposter! No wonder they claim that India is a land of jugaad. Those threads and rings were the jugaad of a few men who have managed to convince 1.3 billion people to wear their religion on their wrist, fingers, and around their neck and lately ankles!

If this argument hasn’t convinced you to shed your PDA for religion, let me play the hygiene card.

Imagine not changing your clothes every day. Imagine going to bed with dirt and grime. Imagine your husband engaging in foreplay with all the germs on his wrist and hands. This is what these threads and accessories accumulate and imagine how many months of it! If you change your clothes every day, don’t you think you ought to change the threads too? And don’t your fingers need a breather. When was the last time you took off those rings? Yucks I could never marry or let a man with these threads touch me! I take off all my accessories at night. No threads and rings for me for sure!

Now you can wear a few accessories here and there, but they should complement your look and not be worn because your mom says it will ward off evil!

So let’s put this to a test:

A waistcoat, blazer, tie, shirt, red dhaaga, leather shoes. Pick the odd one out!

Did you pass with flying colors?

Now that I have shed off your childhood accessories, let’s see what a real man wears.

Invest in a good watch!

Yes, you heard me right. A watch is the only accessory a man should wear! A watch for every occasion. There is one for a casual day, one for work, and one for a classy night out. If you don’t believe me, google classy men and count the number of accessories they have worn. My bet is you will only find a watch, hat, belt and nice briefcase!

If you don’t have but one watch, you need to save up and get yourself at least another one, but not of the same style.

What’s your dream watch?

What’s that stench?

Oops, it isn’t all the garbage decomposing in the nearby river, but you!

Haven’t men heard of the deo roll-on? Why then do you not use them? How many times do I get put off by sweat marks that show on your shirts! I feel I must start an NGO that distributes free deodorants to men! Every man should own one amongst his toiletries. Roll-on deodorants combat nasty smells in one quick sweep across your underarm. This makes them perfect for on the go and an ideal companion for the gym and otherwise too. And the fresh feeling lasts for hours.

And please go easy on the cologne. It will not cover the sweat marks. And it’s also important to pick the right fragrance and to do that you must be convinced that wearing the right fragrance can attract the right woman! Read more on a man’s guide to wear cologne here: https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/guide-to-fragrance/

And then head over to the nearest pharmacy and pick up a bottle of deo roll-on.

Aren’t we done with school yet?

Not in India, I think. I will never date a guy who carries a backpack. It’s because I won’t date an IT guy. Yes, you heard me right, carrying a backpack after the age of 25, is a giveaway of your profession. Why not carry a briefcase or messenger bag instead? I told you I was old school!

And please replace your wallet every year if not every quarter. A man should have a good wallet too so it can attract good money! Just kidding :)

What are you wearing?

If you want to be taken seriously, dress the part.

India is a land of colors, for women’s dresses mostly :) Gentlemen, don’t be afraid to experiment with colors. But let’s try to be frugal here. Match them right. And know that it doesn’t take too much for whites to get transformed to beiges!

Go easy on the prints too. And do not wear fakes. Either go for brands or not. Dress well at home too. Your wife and family deserve to see a well kept you too!

Oh yes, how can I forget this one: If you plan on wearing an undershirt make sure it blends in and does not show. I have only seen white vests in India, not because I have experienced a man undressing, but because the shirts are so sheer. And please do not wear sheer! No one wants to know how much body hair you have!

That brings me to this:

Hair business!

I obviously have been typing passionately for a while. I want to wind up soon. So I will just get to the point with this one. Beards should be trimmed and well kept. And if you can’t invest in your beard, just keep a stubble. But please keep something! A clean-shaven man, with no sign of facial hair, looks unattractive and immature.

Please go get a wax or trim job if you have too much body hair. One of the main reasons I won’t ever date an Iranian man! It’s such a put-off. I am aware that you can’t change how God made you. But God didn’t make religion either and we managed to make it such a big part of our life. So we can definitely manage our hair business.

Cut them short!

Is this a thing with Indian men? They like growing one nail particularly long? What for? Yikes!

I have rejected men based on the length of their toe and fingernails! Please go get a mani-pedi! It’s not a service availed by women only. This is where I am a maverick! We can make it a date…ditch the coffee…head to the salon instead! How romantic!

Let me feel it

Why is it that you want your woman to have a good complexion and you don’t take care of yours? See I ain’t a feminist. I care as much for the man as for the woman! Your skin reveals a million words about how you take care of you! Self-love, gentleman, isn’t a term for the ladies only! Please invest in a good skincare routine. Experiment and find what works. Yes, we women notice the chapped lips and blackheads!

Need I say more? Of course, I am Mariam, and I cannot ever have enough to say. But you’ll have to wait for Part 2. And you can just study Shahrukh, Saif, and Hritik, who according to me are the most stylish men in India!

Until I wake up early again! I totally should though…look at my brilliant morning ideas!


For now I hope, I don’t remain single for much longer. Gentlemen please make me fall for you!

Humans Of Corporate 101

My life took a turn in 2017 when I got placed in an IT company- my first corporate in India.

Well, what can I say, I went to the interview dressed in a pair of ripped jeans and a tank top. I basically was dressed to be rejected, as I honestly wasn’t sure I even wanted to be hired! I didn’t think I would make a good candidate, considering I had near nil experience with technical writing.

I remember that call with the recruiter. I wanted to make sure he understood that I didn’t own any formals and I didn’t want to be dressed in formals either. They still wanted me to show up for the interview. I guess I learned during that first visit to the company that corporate attire in India isn’t the same thing as that in the States. I was relieved and hired!

God, things do change! Fast forward to 2019 and my wardrobe now has a handful of formal dresses and I recently went shopping for some pants too!

Thinking about it, as long as you know how to carry your outfit, it really doesn’t matter what brand you wear. It wasn’t my attire that got me hired at my first IT company interview, and neither was it my lack of experience with the IT industry. Rather it was my ability to think outside the box and my confidence in carrying my casual look that won me the deal.

Confidence, therefore, is the key, my friends. Whatever you choose to wear, you must wear confidently! But there are some fashion boo-boos you must avoid even if it means you must disappoint your beliefs.

I am in my third IT job and believe I have made enough observations to help my peers feel confident and accepted. After all the way you present yourself says a lot about you.

Indians have the brains…let’s garnish that with the skill for tasteful dressing and a groomed you!

To begin with, it is my understanding that the average Indian today is earning more than the previous generation. It beats me then why so many of them won’t take care of themselves? What is with this mentality of saving? I rather enjoy the money now while I am young than when I am old and home ridden. I enjoy pedicures and manicures. I hate chipped nail polish, and I absolutely can’t stand men with sweat marks on their shirt! And who goes to meetings with tikkas? What about living well in a well decorated and clean home? Hmm…

So yes, I will say outrageous things, but all in the interest of the general corporate public.

Stay tuned for #humansofcorporate.

Priyanka Chopra's Met Gala look- what's all the fuss?

Let’s talk about the Met Gala.

My Instagram feed is flooding with images of Priyanka Chopra in her Met Gala ‘Camp’ look, and I am sure yours is too.

Outrageous! Bang on! Priyanka Chopra-Jonas nailed the theme! By saying just that I may have lost Deepika Padukone fans…

Hold your horses. Don’t jump the guns! Read the caption below the images. Aya samaj main?(Do you now understand?) I see that you still not convinced.

The Met is not for the faint-hearted, let me assure you. The theme’s are always quirky fashion statements, and guests are expected to flaunt it!

But somehow, despite having had some Indian names attend the MET like the actresses, Isha Ambani, and Natasha Poonawala very few back home know the reason behind the weirdness. Some comments go as far as shaming the star for representing India in a ‘negative’ way. Hold on! It is quite the contrary. I commend Priyanka for following the theme and actually becoming the cameras’ pet on the Met red carpet!

If you ask Google about the Met, you will find an entire Wikipedia page devoted to it. It only takes a few minutes to get educated. But somehow the general Indian paltan is too quick to speak- a trait that is associated with weaklings.

I think the celebs themselves could to do a better job at telling their fans all there is about the Met, which marks the opening of the Costume Institute's annual fashion exhibit on the first Monday of May.

Until they speak, here’s a quicky:

The Met Gala, established in 1948 is an annual fundraising event for the benefit of the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute in New York City. Celebrities from the world over are invited.

So who gets to go?

From $50 to $30,000 apiece for the ticket, the fundraising has come a long long way! This is probably why we haven’t seen a lot of Bollywood there. Of course, not everyone pays for a ticket. A brand will often invite celebrities to sit at its table which costs around $275,000. This is also probably why we don’t find the men of the Indian tinsel-town on there. Brands rather sponsor the ladies who actually have a fan following keeping their expansion goals in mind- think Deepika! I wouldn’t blame them…If you are paying so much, you would rather have someone who has that kind of following. I feel for Ranveer, but hey can men's fashion in India pull in big pesos?

And even if you can afford to, you cannot go- unless of course you are invited…only those celebs that can preach the gospel with their beauty and x-factor get to go! Capisce?

I won’t go through the history as that would be a long haul…let’s go back to when it all started for India-2017.

2017: Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garçons: Art of the In-Between

2018: Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination 

2019: Camp: Notes on Fashion 

As you can tell, the themes are not the fashion we are accustomed to seeing. Nonetheless, the Indian bourgeoisie and especially our Indian Jonas know just how to make the paparazzi go all gaga!

Let’s focus on this year’s theme- Camp: Notes on Fashion

And what does that even mean? The only camp you probably know is the military camp or a school camp probably. Hmm... This is why we need to make use of this wonderful technology called the internet and reduce our ignorance. Being a computer whizkid or engineer will fill your pockets…but to fill your brain, you may need to actually make use of the tool to become street smart! You can’t just use your brain, when you get paid for it…it was an organ given to humans long before money came into the picture. Money too is the product of our brain...that was when we actually used it! So let’s put it to use again. Being ignorant is not a virtue, let me assure you!

So back to Camp!

You may have guessed by now that Camp has nothing to do with the summer camp. It has everything to do with savoring the fabulousness, irony, and whimsical of being extra. The concept at this year’s Met is inspired by Susan Sontag's 1964 essay that defines camp as "love of the unnatural: of artifice and exaggeration.”

Recall those fashion shows where you went, “eww you call that fashion? Who would even wear that?” That’s Camp fashion for you!

An expression of escapism I would say.

The outfits have an expressive soul. They can be theatrical, they can even be humorous, but never plain.

And now let's scrutinize Ms. Jonas and her choice of outfit!

Disclaimer: I would not otherwise approve this look! But hey it's the Met...and quirky is what floats the boat at the biggest fashion gathering in the city that never sleeps!

So Priyanka's eye-catching Dior couture outfit which took over 1500 hours to create, complete with futuristic makeup, outsize-teased hair, Dior Haute Couture palladium crown, and even a bindi, deserves respect and not memes and trolls for staying true to the theme. Her arriving in the arms of her husband sent a beautiful message too! They both looked the part!

The spectacular gown and cape were made from tulle, featuring embroideries of tulle feathers and silver strass. All the elements came together to scream 'more' and 'chic'!

Still confused about the theme? I wouldn’t fret about it. Perhaps that's the point of it all. Either way, the Met is a reminder that fashion is at its most fun when it's not taking itself too seriously.

So who do you think has followed the theme closely and who hasn’t? Would you still go on to bash Priyanka or any future celebrity who would go all out to actually fit in?