Part 1- Appearance Matters first!

It’s 7 AM. I don’t usually wake up at this hour. The first of the sun’s rays are beginning to shine through the plant-clad window of my grandmom’s guest room. I can trace the outline of the dressing table and a bookshelf on which you won’t find books, but antiques, crystals, and knick-knacks. My grandmother just as I am a collector of all things cute and old! There is a charm in the old. Perhaps because of the story and meaning that these things decipher.

And then the thoughts come back. Somethings I feel should never change. Style, mannerisms, and hygiene are eternal and common sense! At least they are to me. Now, you’d argue that these should not be one’s first thoughts. But they are…considering how the past 3 years have been.

I am attracted to the brown. This is why I mostly dated Middle eastern and Indian men. They possess a charm like none other. They are warm and well-raised (well at least a majority of them)!

I had had a wonderful dating life in Egypt where I spent 6 years. Egyptian men despite their financial status are classy and charming. They know just how to dress. Now you’d ask why I didn’t settle for such goodness? Why would I move to India when everything was going so well? Kya hai na, I love adventure and at that point commitment scared me! I was wooed with the idea of a Shahrukh Khan. And I escaped to India to experience SRK.

Two years ago I could best be compared with Vaani Kapoor’s character, Shyra, in Befikre. Her story resonated so much with mine, that I felt the writer had known me personally.

I never wanted to settle down. Marriage was a big no-no and I was super flirtatious. The latter hasn’t changed, however, my desire to find a companion has never been stronger. I want my big fat Indian-Persian wedding. Everything is in my head, except for the face of the groom.

I tried dating apps, personal connects, matrimonial sites too. The later is a complete sham! There was no SRK. Not even a hint of him…The quality of men and the fake profiles managed to bring out the worst in me. I abused the men, shamed them, and then finally deleted my profile. Either I leave India or settle for less. But why should I only be faced with these two options? I had a third. I would put it out in the man universe, my idea of a classy man which is based on the old ways, with the hope that someone would take the hint. I can only hope. Because if this doesn’t work, I don’t know what will. So help me God!

Now, this advice isn’t just for my potential groom, but every millennial and Get Z Indian man. I feel like it is my moral obligation to teach you a thing or two about classiness and style. I love serving society you see (I also obviously am helping myself in the process).

I am a biggie on looks, and charm. I am a biggie on intellect and travel experiences. I am a biggie on classiness. And please tell me I ain’t making a mistake by pinning my hopes on the men in India. I do want to have a big fat Indian wedding. I want my heart to find love In SRK’s land. I want to have a Bollywood love story. Tell me, I will.

Religion, superstition, and astrology have no style

Just as we claim that religion and politics should not mix, style and religion shouldn’t. In India I have noticed people don’t simply follow a religion; they wear it! And while I can’t convince 1.3 billion people that religion is a personal space, I hope I can convince 13 of you to ward off your religious paraphernalia and keep your faith to your heart.

What’s with the red and black threads? What’s with the rings? These don’t go well with a suit. Neither do these have any place in the workplace. And neither do these “things”, to the best of my knowledge, ward off evil. If it did, everyone around the world would wear them. Don’t you think?

A thread or ring won’t get you close to god and the absence of it doesn’t translate to you being an atheist. These threads and rings are simply a brilliant idea for a business by some imposter! No wonder they claim that India is a land of jugaad. Those threads and rings were the jugaad of a few men who have managed to convince 1.3 billion people to wear their religion on their wrist, fingers, and around their neck and lately ankles!

If this argument hasn’t convinced you to shed your PDA for religion, let me play the hygiene card.

Imagine not changing your clothes every day. Imagine going to bed with dirt and grime. Imagine your husband engaging in foreplay with all the germs on his wrist and hands. This is what these threads and accessories accumulate and imagine how many months of it! If you change your clothes every day, don’t you think you ought to change the threads too? And don’t your fingers need a breather. When was the last time you took off those rings? Yucks I could never marry or let a man with these threads touch me! I take off all my accessories at night. No threads and rings for me for sure!

Now you can wear a few accessories here and there, but they should complement your look and not be worn because your mom says it will ward off evil!

So let’s put this to a test:

A waistcoat, blazer, tie, shirt, red dhaaga, leather shoes. Pick the odd one out!

Did you pass with flying colors?

Now that I have shed off your childhood accessories, let’s see what a real man wears.

Invest in a good watch!

Yes, you heard me right. A watch is the only accessory a man should wear! A watch for every occasion. There is one for a casual day, one for work, and one for a classy night out. If you don’t believe me, google classy men and count the number of accessories they have worn. My bet is you will only find a watch, hat, belt and nice briefcase!

If you don’t have but one watch, you need to save up and get yourself at least another one, but not of the same style.

What’s your dream watch?

What’s that stench?

Oops, it isn’t all the garbage decomposing in the nearby river, but you!

Haven’t men heard of the deo roll-on? Why then do you not use them? How many times do I get put off by sweat marks that show on your shirts! I feel I must start an NGO that distributes free deodorants to men! Every man should own one amongst his toiletries. Roll-on deodorants combat nasty smells in one quick sweep across your underarm. This makes them perfect for on the go and an ideal companion for the gym and otherwise too. And the fresh feeling lasts for hours.

And please go easy on the cologne. It will not cover the sweat marks. And it’s also important to pick the right fragrance and to do that you must be convinced that wearing the right fragrance can attract the right woman! Read more on a man’s guide to wear cologne here: https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/guide-to-fragrance/

And then head over to the nearest pharmacy and pick up a bottle of deo roll-on.

Aren’t we done with school yet?

Not in India, I think. I will never date a guy who carries a backpack. It’s because I won’t date an IT guy. Yes, you heard me right, carrying a backpack after the age of 25, is a giveaway of your profession. Why not carry a briefcase or messenger bag instead? I told you I was old school!

And please replace your wallet every year if not every quarter. A man should have a good wallet too so it can attract good money! Just kidding :)

What are you wearing?

If you want to be taken seriously, dress the part.

India is a land of colors, for women’s dresses mostly :) Gentlemen, don’t be afraid to experiment with colors. But let’s try to be frugal here. Match them right. And know that it doesn’t take too much for whites to get transformed to beiges!

Go easy on the prints too. And do not wear fakes. Either go for brands or not. Dress well at home too. Your wife and family deserve to see a well kept you too!

Oh yes, how can I forget this one: If you plan on wearing an undershirt make sure it blends in and does not show. I have only seen white vests in India, not because I have experienced a man undressing, but because the shirts are so sheer. And please do not wear sheer! No one wants to know how much body hair you have!

That brings me to this:

Hair business!

I obviously have been typing passionately for a while. I want to wind up soon. So I will just get to the point with this one. Beards should be trimmed and well kept. And if you can’t invest in your beard, just keep a stubble. But please keep something! A clean-shaven man, with no sign of facial hair, looks unattractive and immature.

Please go get a wax or trim job if you have too much body hair. One of the main reasons I won’t ever date an Iranian man! It’s such a put-off. I am aware that you can’t change how God made you. But God didn’t make religion either and we managed to make it such a big part of our life. So we can definitely manage our hair business.

Cut them short!

Is this a thing with Indian men? They like growing one nail particularly long? What for? Yikes!

I have rejected men based on the length of their toe and fingernails! Please go get a mani-pedi! It’s not a service availed by women only. This is where I am a maverick! We can make it a date…ditch the coffee…head to the salon instead! How romantic!

Let me feel it

Why is it that you want your woman to have a good complexion and you don’t take care of yours? See I ain’t a feminist. I care as much for the man as for the woman! Your skin reveals a million words about how you take care of you! Self-love, gentleman, isn’t a term for the ladies only! Please invest in a good skincare routine. Experiment and find what works. Yes, we women notice the chapped lips and blackheads!

Need I say more? Of course, I am Mariam, and I cannot ever have enough to say. But you’ll have to wait for Part 2. And you can just study Shahrukh, Saif, and Hritik, who according to me are the most stylish men in India!

Until I wake up early again! I totally should though…look at my brilliant morning ideas!


For now I hope, I don’t remain single for much longer. Gentlemen please make me fall for you!