The Blame Game

I feel miserable. Have a hard time falling asleep and a hard time staying asleep. Wake up to bouts of tears. There are traces of anger, confusion, and pain in the rolling drops. The heart is heavy.

And of course, it is all my fault! Like I inflicted this upon myself simply by virtue of choice!

I had given him all of me. I even prepared him meals- a big deal as I don’t even do this for myself- to show him how much I value him. We had had a good time, mutually. Almost a relationship…oh, wait…except it isn’t. So we engage in every activity that two people in a relationship enjoy together, but I am not allowed to call it that. And neither does this give me the right to feel angry when I am being ignored or to ask a few questions. Alas, I am being unreasonably demanding!

No pun intended here. But I didn’t sign up for this.

And then there is that “you have changed. Can you go back to the Mariam I first met?” And I am left wondering, how I can go back to being who I am when I am already me. He is making me believe that I have become this crazy demanding woman, probably hinting at clinginess. Back up now, as far as I know, I was only expecting the bare minimum. I am not a loose cannon, who has his phone ringing off the hook or setting off his IM notifications on a frenzy. Maybe I should have, and then I would plead guilty to the accusations made against me. Why am I being put on trial for a crime I never committed? It’s all a setup. Isn't it?

So I sit here wondering…What is wrong with men these days? They claim you are awesome, one of a kind, lovely. They claim they connect with you and enjoy spending time with you. And yet, they don’t want to commit. WTF?!! If they don’t want to commit to someone “as awesome as you” who also happens to be someone they have "a connection" with, who do they want to invite into their lives? Does even Google have an answer to this perplexing question?

I am sane. I would be stupid to let go of a potential partner who I connect with because a good connection is hard to come by these days, with most men not able to hold my attention even before a date ends. So why would I destroy what we share?

I want to scream. This agitation is brutal. I panic. And the cycle continues.

More than anything I wish he was here calming me. Apologizing for being a prick, and for framing me for a crime.

If you know me, you know I have cried for but a few men, only when I was young and frail…and when I bid farewell to my soul mate. The rest have come and gone. Not a single tear was shed.

Why then is this man pulling the reigns? There has been no one quite like him in a long time; it is true. Perhaps he values bitches and witches. How do I get such superpowers?  Again I heed to Google, the modern-day Wizard of Oz.

So what if I have feelings..it isn’t my fault. And clearly, he did too. He wouldn’t have kissed me the way he did or held me so warmly. He can deny it all he wants, but I know he felt it too, perhaps not as intensely, but he did. So own up to it mister. Be proud of me. Or let me go. Too soon you say, and I say there is never a wrong time for something good. What we have is beyond good; it is what keeps us both happy! Unless you were a very good actor….and u had me fooled…

The blame game then, I conclude, is nothing but a game. Let it be just that, and nothing more. You play along, dodge all the traps, and emerge the victor, level-by-level.