Good evening! I am accompanied on this post by a hot aromatic cup of masala chai and memories.
I have witnessed 12,075 beautiful mornings. Life indeed is long when I look at it that way. Do I remember how I spent each of them? I wish I could.
So this morning when a school friend tagged me in a group picture of us from 6th grade, she forced me down memory lane and I began to have a conversation with myself again about my unfulfilled life. I have been doing that quite a lot lately. Let's find out why.
Human beings are regarded as one of the most social of all earthly species. We thrive when we are with others, but we also have the ability to live a solitary life, if only a less prosperous one. At 33 you are expected to be married and have a family. I have done neither. It is not that I don't want to go down that alley or that I am super happy being single; I just as every other girl on this planet want to have that beautiful fairy tale wedding with my prince charming. Now children I am not too sure about but I am not denying that possibility either. But every year this dream becomes farfetched. So does life.
My family and friends have been judgemental and they won't stop short of criticising my nomadic lifestyle. They won't even take me seriously. I don't seem to pay heed because I have always believed in living for the moment and enjoying the journey no matter where it may lead. I have dated several men, gotten hitched once in what turned out to be a violent marriage, and also fallen in love recently. But somehow nothing has lasted. Neither have my friendships or my jobs. Should I blame it on my fickle zodiac sign or on my turbulent childhood? Or to the fact that I am afraid of attachments, because I know that nothing in this life is permanent, not even life itself. I don't want to lose the people I love or am fond of because attachment is wonderful while it lasts, and then becomes ugly when the bond unfastens.
I have been battling with depression for the past many years because unlike my peers my heart had not settled. I once asked a psychologist why I was such a mess emotionally and why is it that I am unable to control my age and my life? She had no answers. She only said Mariam you need to focus on things that you can control and find ways to accept the things that you can't.
I am learning to accept the things that I can't control like my age or time of death. I feel comfortable sharing my fears with strangers as I feel they are less judgemental, that they would accept me just for who I am and even if they didn't, it wouldn't hurt to lose them. I have to accept the fact that I can't be with the man I love, that I probably won't get married because I don't have the funds to fund a marriage and that I will never be loved because I am considered too old for marriage. The more time I spend in India, I realise that my fairy tale wedding is but a dream. Or so I have been told.
Yesterday as I walked into a cafe, I noticed an elderly lady sitting all by herself at a table. She was smoking her cigarette. There was a graceful aura about her. She smiled at me. I placed my order and went over to her asking if I could join her. Geetanjali and I struck a beautiful conversation about ageing and age differences in a relationship. I showed her pictures of the man I love and shared with her the reasons why I feel we can't be together. She placed her hand on mine and said, my boyfriend is half my age and we love each other so dearly.
She made me realise so much with just that truth about her life....that life is not about age differences, but about enjoying and learning from every moment you experience and from every person that walks into your life.
I may have not accomplished a lot in my life; I have abandoned a lot of people and opportunities some out of choice and others involuntarily, I may not be as young as a man wants his bride to be, but I do know that I will be true to the man who will love and fight to keep me. Whether he will want that, is hard to tell.
There are things you can control and then there are things you can't. I still haven't figured out why we age and why we die, why we feel lonely and why we can't seek out love and a companion without being labelled as desperate. If any of you have stumbled upon the answers do let me know. I have left my belongings in every country I have travelled to as though I am setting a trail. I hope someday to trace my tracks and relive those moments.
There are questions I ask myself. Today I make my inner feelings public. If you judge me, your loss; if you sympathise with me, I rather you keep out of my life; if you empathise with my thoughts, you have just earned a new friend!
What are some of your biggest fears?
To look old in my wedding pictures and to not have one at all.
Have you ever experienced true love?
Yes, once at the age of 32.
Have you always wanted to get married?
Have I always wanted this? Not really, I am currently going through a phase where I feel I finally want to settle down. The hunt for a companion is on, because unlike previous years, I don't have the luxury of time. Where previously I could wait for the man to ask me out, I now have to look for a potential mate myself. I feel time is running out. Since I can't be with my first choice, I can settle for second best. This however does not mean that I haven't dated anyone previously. I have. I was always skeptical about marriage considering the failed marriages I had witnessed in my own family and also my own marriage that lasted a mere 4 months. I was also focussed on my career. One thing that hasn't changed however has been my lust for love. I won't be in an arranged marriage. I want my companion and I to be in love. Yes, even at this age I do believe in it. I do feel lonely and when I met Raj I wanted to marry him, but I was thoroughly disappointed that he was more interested in a younger woman who his parents would happily welcome into their family. Fine! I move on!
What is it about age that worries you?
The fear of being rejected on lieu of being older to my partner. I am somehow attracted to younger men because of my childish nature but in India men would never consider marrying a woman who is older to them. I have experienced this personally because even though I look younger than my paper age, I am only as good as a fling and nothing more. I have to wait for that one man who would overlook these immaterial aspects and embrace me as his princess.
What would you say in defence of your age?
I am just as young as I feel and act. I may be a bit chubby but I have two adorable dimples! I have the experience and also the energy to implement new ideas. I will take care of your family with the maturity that a younger woman lacks. I have no interest in your money, I only seek your companionship. My laughter is pure and magnetic.
Do you have any regrets in life?
I have always wanted to act in a Bollywood film as the lead. I should have done that in my early twenties. Now it's too late. I gave up on my education and profession as a journalist and human rights activist for no good reason at all. Can I travel back in time and fix these glitches? Nope. But I could restart where I left off.
What does age signify to you?
Age is but a number to determine your legal drinking and driving age! It is also used as an excuse to avoid marriage when you don't want to surface the other reasons!
I have witnessed 12,075 beautiful mornings. Life indeed is long when I look at it that way. Do I remember how I spent each of them? I wish I could.
So this morning when a school friend tagged me in a group picture of us from 6th grade, she forced me down memory lane and I began to have a conversation with myself again about my unfulfilled life. I have been doing that quite a lot lately. Let's find out why.
Human beings are regarded as one of the most social of all earthly species. We thrive when we are with others, but we also have the ability to live a solitary life, if only a less prosperous one. At 33 you are expected to be married and have a family. I have done neither. It is not that I don't want to go down that alley or that I am super happy being single; I just as every other girl on this planet want to have that beautiful fairy tale wedding with my prince charming. Now children I am not too sure about but I am not denying that possibility either. But every year this dream becomes farfetched. So does life.
My family and friends have been judgemental and they won't stop short of criticising my nomadic lifestyle. They won't even take me seriously. I don't seem to pay heed because I have always believed in living for the moment and enjoying the journey no matter where it may lead. I have dated several men, gotten hitched once in what turned out to be a violent marriage, and also fallen in love recently. But somehow nothing has lasted. Neither have my friendships or my jobs. Should I blame it on my fickle zodiac sign or on my turbulent childhood? Or to the fact that I am afraid of attachments, because I know that nothing in this life is permanent, not even life itself. I don't want to lose the people I love or am fond of because attachment is wonderful while it lasts, and then becomes ugly when the bond unfastens.
I have been battling with depression for the past many years because unlike my peers my heart had not settled. I once asked a psychologist why I was such a mess emotionally and why is it that I am unable to control my age and my life? She had no answers. She only said Mariam you need to focus on things that you can control and find ways to accept the things that you can't.
I am learning to accept the things that I can't control like my age or time of death. I feel comfortable sharing my fears with strangers as I feel they are less judgemental, that they would accept me just for who I am and even if they didn't, it wouldn't hurt to lose them. I have to accept the fact that I can't be with the man I love, that I probably won't get married because I don't have the funds to fund a marriage and that I will never be loved because I am considered too old for marriage. The more time I spend in India, I realise that my fairy tale wedding is but a dream. Or so I have been told.
Yesterday as I walked into a cafe, I noticed an elderly lady sitting all by herself at a table. She was smoking her cigarette. There was a graceful aura about her. She smiled at me. I placed my order and went over to her asking if I could join her. Geetanjali and I struck a beautiful conversation about ageing and age differences in a relationship. I showed her pictures of the man I love and shared with her the reasons why I feel we can't be together. She placed her hand on mine and said, my boyfriend is half my age and we love each other so dearly.
She made me realise so much with just that truth about her life....that life is not about age differences, but about enjoying and learning from every moment you experience and from every person that walks into your life.
I may have not accomplished a lot in my life; I have abandoned a lot of people and opportunities some out of choice and others involuntarily, I may not be as young as a man wants his bride to be, but I do know that I will be true to the man who will love and fight to keep me. Whether he will want that, is hard to tell.
There are things you can control and then there are things you can't. I still haven't figured out why we age and why we die, why we feel lonely and why we can't seek out love and a companion without being labelled as desperate. If any of you have stumbled upon the answers do let me know. I have left my belongings in every country I have travelled to as though I am setting a trail. I hope someday to trace my tracks and relive those moments.
There are questions I ask myself. Today I make my inner feelings public. If you judge me, your loss; if you sympathise with me, I rather you keep out of my life; if you empathise with my thoughts, you have just earned a new friend!
What are some of your biggest fears?
To look old in my wedding pictures and to not have one at all.
Have you ever experienced true love?
Yes, once at the age of 32.
Have you always wanted to get married?
Have I always wanted this? Not really, I am currently going through a phase where I feel I finally want to settle down. The hunt for a companion is on, because unlike previous years, I don't have the luxury of time. Where previously I could wait for the man to ask me out, I now have to look for a potential mate myself. I feel time is running out. Since I can't be with my first choice, I can settle for second best. This however does not mean that I haven't dated anyone previously. I have. I was always skeptical about marriage considering the failed marriages I had witnessed in my own family and also my own marriage that lasted a mere 4 months. I was also focussed on my career. One thing that hasn't changed however has been my lust for love. I won't be in an arranged marriage. I want my companion and I to be in love. Yes, even at this age I do believe in it. I do feel lonely and when I met Raj I wanted to marry him, but I was thoroughly disappointed that he was more interested in a younger woman who his parents would happily welcome into their family. Fine! I move on!
What is it about age that worries you?
The fear of being rejected on lieu of being older to my partner. I am somehow attracted to younger men because of my childish nature but in India men would never consider marrying a woman who is older to them. I have experienced this personally because even though I look younger than my paper age, I am only as good as a fling and nothing more. I have to wait for that one man who would overlook these immaterial aspects and embrace me as his princess.
What would you say in defence of your age?
I am just as young as I feel and act. I may be a bit chubby but I have two adorable dimples! I have the experience and also the energy to implement new ideas. I will take care of your family with the maturity that a younger woman lacks. I have no interest in your money, I only seek your companionship. My laughter is pure and magnetic.
Do you have any regrets in life?
I have always wanted to act in a Bollywood film as the lead. I should have done that in my early twenties. Now it's too late. I gave up on my education and profession as a journalist and human rights activist for no good reason at all. Can I travel back in time and fix these glitches? Nope. But I could restart where I left off.
What does age signify to you?
Age is but a number to determine your legal drinking and driving age! It is also used as an excuse to avoid marriage when you don't want to surface the other reasons!
I am as innocent as a baby
I am as mature as your mother
I am as beautiful as your favourite actress
I can love you
I can caress you
I can be your companion
My age will not keep me from being Mariam
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